Life in a Game! by Enemy Crab Productions

Robbers Running Rampant!

By Kent Steichman
Investigative Reporter

Every city sees its share of crime, and as you astute readers know, there have been a rash of thefts in the last few weeks, with brash robbers barging into the homes of unsuspecting citizens to steal anything that isn't nailed down.

But what if there's more to this than meets the eye? And how can these people keep getting away with this brazen crime? Where are the police?

As usual, it was up to yours truly to investigate where others wouldn't, and what I found may shock you!

My search began in the quiet town of Kalm, which until some weeks ago, lived up to its name. But suddenly, a band of outlaws stormed into town, and rampaged through peoples' homes.
As one eye witness described it, "My wife was making dinner, and I was watching TV, when this weird guy, a hooker, and their strange orange dog just burst in the door!"

The family only looked on in shock as these brigands ran through the house. "They asked me if I'd seen a man in a black cloak, and when I said I hadn't, they went looking through the cupboards!" In all, these miscreants stole an Ether the man was saving, and a bolt ring that had been in his family for years.

And the police, despite solid descriptions and eye-witness accounts, have done nothing! A representative would only say that people should "learn to lock their damn doors!" and threatened to have me arrested.

Naturally, this only emboldened me. The people must know the truth! So I kept digging. The thieves in question have only grown in number since sweeping through Kalm, and everywhere they couldn't get information about this "black cloaked man," they responded by robbing the citizens blind!

Clearly, this black cloaked man was the key to the whole operation, but before I could find any information on him, I was contacted by someone who claimed to know the truth behind these crimes.

On the condition of anonymity, he spoke to me through an animatronic cat. And, according to him, these weren't thieves, but dangerous eco-terrorists! As to why the police have done nothing, he said that by letting them run rampant, they were leading the police to an even bigger threat: the mysterious black-cloaked man. "A few stolen Potions here and there are small potatoes compared to this."

Small potatoes? Tell that to little Timmy in Sector 5, whose father can't work because of an injury. The family had a Hi-Potion set aside for just such an occasion, but guess what happened to that!

So the police won't listen to your pleas, but now you know the truth! Lock your doors, hide your Potions, and hope that whatever this black cloaked man is, it's worth letting the good citizens suffer through this!

Labels: curley, vg reporter

Sin and Punishment 2. Gran Turismo 5. Alan Wake. If you want to play these games, you're going to need a "next-gen" system. The only problem is that they cost money, and lots of it.

There are a lot of websites out there that promise "Win a Wii" or "Free PS3 Special Offer". Many of these are scam sites that require you to spend even more money than the system costs to begin with. Others ask you to sign up 5, 10, or even 25 friends to the scam in order to score the console. Since when do gamers have 25 friends?

All these websites do is waste your time. Getting a free next-gen gaming system is not easy, but you already have all the tools you need to be playing the hottest games as soon as tomorrow.

1. Plan Ahead. You should first decide what system you want, and what stores sell it. Do you want to wave around a Wii remote while watching a miniature version of you play tennis? Do you want to scream into a microphone about how much you love Master Chief? Do you wake up at night hankering for brains and a copy of Resident Evil 5? Choose carefully.

2. Friends. Although you may not have 25 (or even 10) friends, find 1 or 2 who are willing to help you out. If you promise them they can play the system with you after you have it set up, they will be more likely to help. Feel free to re-neg on that offer when the time actually comes. They might never talk to you again, but hey - you can drown your sorrows in Halo 3.

3. The Big Day. Go to your local electronics store with your friends, and make sure you are each wearing a really big coat. Not just big, but huge... something that Elvis might have worn in his later years. Have one friend distract the employee closest to the Wii/360/PS3 while you sneak the box into your coat. Next, have your other friend distract the guard/cashier nearest the exit, and stroll out of the store. Try not to look suspicious.

4. Play. Congratulations! You've gotten a free next-gen system. Sit back, relax, and if you want, let your friends play like you promised. However, that course of action is not recommended.

Labels: 360, guide, humor, Jon, ps3, wii